04 / 01 / 2018
2 Minute Read

Unhappy and still together: Why?

In the past two months, a few of my acquaintances have confessed me that they are planning to leave their husbands in a near future. Many others told me enough to make me think that they are about to do the same… and apparently, they are not the only ones…

A recent research, commissioned by The Family Law Firm Irwin Mitchell, found that 1 in 20 couples have chosen a date 10 or more years into the future to split with their partner. Clearly, of the people who have already divorced a partner, almost 8 in 10 regretted not having made that decision sooner.

Why do unhappy couples stay together and choose to remain unhappy for decades?

Most of the time, couples still believe in romance and want to work at things and see if they can learn to fall in love again.

What are then the three of the top ten reasons for postponing divorce?

The finance, including: 'I have too much to lose', 'I can't afford to move out,' 'I can't afford a divorce', 'For my partner's money', and 'We have too many shared financial assets.'

Stigma: Worries about the stigma of divorce and fears that they won't meet anyone else.

Save their children the distress of a broken home : 'Staying together for the kids'. Parents usually plan to split once their children have grown up (1 in 5 unhappy parents are waiting until their children reach at least 14 before going ahead with a divorce).

Parents who are staying together for the children use a range of strategies to disguise their unhappiness — and their exit plans. They argue in a different room away from the children, sleep in the same bed to maintain the pretense, and even make a point of kissing and cuddling and going on date nights.

Is staying together for the kids is a good idea? Do parent's efforts to maintain appearances gives kids a warped view of marriage?

Won’t the children assume that the reality of marriage is a harmonious public appearance and an ice-cold passive-aggressive private life? Will those children ever believed people holding hands who claim to be happily married?

Divorcing when the kids are in their twenties may come as a complete shock for them and make them feel responsible for their parents' unhappiness.

Whose child would want to have her parents endure three decades of misery because of her?

I'm not about to tell anyone to rethink their decision to stay together for their kids, but I do think that sacrificing your own happiness for someone else rarely turns out well in the long run…

 

Janet for TheVelvetRooms

 

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